An extraordinary event at the Banbury signing
Saw something that I’d never seen before during my book-signing session in Banbury’s Waterstone’s.
I only wish I’d had a camera there to record it for you.
It was a fight - a spot of verbal jousting between a woman in her late 30s and some doughty chap in his 50s. It went on for about 15 minutes. You’d think the screaming was all over, and then suddenly they’d be at each other again. "Madame!" the man would say. "How dare you speak to me like that! I’ve never been spoken to like that in my life!" [Should have worked as a Sun reporter - that would have taught him a thing or two.]
The woman, face contorted with rage, was much more shrill. "Why don’t you get out of here, old man? Get out of here! Go away!"
I, meanwhile, was just going through my schtick. It goes something like this, "Madame! I wondered if I could tempt you with a new book … my book!"
My strike rate is still pretty good - running at about a 60 per cent sale for everyone I approach.
But unfortunately while this row was going on, I couldn’t sell a thing. The whole store was silenced and gathered round to watch the shouting-match. Well-Tempered Claviers? I couldn’t give ‘em away.
I gather that the man had somehow unwittingly clouted the woman’s five-year-old son with the edge of his pram. The kid took a knock, but certainly wasn’t bawling.
But his mum was like a she-tiger defending her young. "What don’t you just look where you’re going, you stupid old git?"
Him: "I’m terribly sorry. I just didn’t see him there."
"Well sometimes sorry’s just not enough!"
Et cetera. At one stage I thought I was going to have to dive in and pull them apart. That would have been excellent. Might even have made the local paper - the good Banbury Cake - if I’d done that. Nothing they like more than a "have-a-go hero".
As it was the man quit the shop, and the woman was given the boot, followed by her stunned son.
I imagine that my book-signing will linger in the memories of the Banbury staff for a long time yet - though unfortunately for all the wrong reasons.