Another idea from Idle Tom the Publisher
I don’t see Idle Tom the Publisher so much these days. Maybe just once a month, when we exchange notes. Discuss tactics. It generally feels like a balloon being deflated of its air.
Also in attendance, by the way, was Diligent Judith, the woman who is going to turn my damn book into a G-G-GOOOO! Judith is selling the rights and moves with serious movers and shakers, the like of which both Idle Tom and I have never seen before.
"So Bill!" says Idle Tom. I will say one thing for Tom. Whenever we meet up, he always pays for the drinks.
Somehow, I don’t think he’d realised how costly this might prove.
"So Tom!" I said. Never let it be said that a Coles can be out-schmoozed.
"So Bill!" he said again. "You’re pretty good at this cold-selling lark! You can even sell this damn book to people who aren’t remotely interested!"
"And so I can Tommy!" I said, possibly remembering that it was St Patrick’s Day. "And so I can!"
"I mean - I don’t think anyone knew you at all in Banbury -"
"Save, of course, for Sarah Singleton’s mother Pauline -"
"Yes, well, except for Pauline, no-one had any idea who you were. And yet …" He paused, a sort of Pinter-esque pause, though possibly a bit longer, as he awaited the muse. "And yet … somehow you managed to sell a ton of books."
"Indeed I did."
"And even though you’re an Old Etonian and a lardy one at that -"
"So what’s your point, Tommy?"
"My point is, author Bill, that maybe we could use your salesmanship to … ahem … Big it up in Edinburgh."
"Big it up? What do you want me to do now?"
"It’s simple! We arrange a signing tour for the whole day! You will visit every single book-shop in Edinburgh! All the Waterstone’s! All the independents! You’ll see every one of them!"
"Well …" I paused. "This is sounding really interesting Tommy, but -"
"It’s going to be great! The global tour! Of Edinburgh! With your patter we should be able to shift over 300 books!"
"So why am I feeling so queasy about this whole thing ? …"