Baggy trousers, indeed …
Monday mornings: I don’t know why, but my publisher Idle Tom always has a tendency towards friskiness at the start of the week.
"Morning Mr Bags," Idle Tom chirrups down the phone. It is the time of our morning conference, the first of the week, when we dream up new tactics, new strategies, for our grand goal of turning The Well-Tempered Clavier into a bestseller.
"Mr Bags? Why are you calling me Mr Bags?"
"Well it goes with your name, doesn’t it? Bill Coles; BilCo; Bilbo; Bilbo Baggins; and from there it is but one small step to Mr Bags."
"If it amuses you."
"Anyway how we doing?"
"Fine, thanks to you. Everyone’s happy. What are you doing?"
He’d started humming. It was a tune I vaguely recognised. Had heard years back. Gradually he started putting some words to the tune. Sort of mumbled words. "Bagg-y trousers, bagg-y trousers …"
"What is it now?" I said. "Let me see. We’ve had you calling me Mr Bags. We’ve had you humming a tune from Madness which came out before you were even born. Okay, Idle Tom. Are we on to a bit of a baggy theme this morning?"
"Why yes," he said. "Yes we are."
"A baggy eye-baggy kind of theme?"
"That’d be the one."
"So what do you want me to do? Would you like me to spend a grand on getting the bags cut out? Invest in some £100 tubs of Creme de le Mer."
"Creme de la Merde? Now that is a new one. Are they selling horse manure as a face-cream.?"
Sometimes I have no idea whether Idle Tom’s denseness is just a put-on, or whether it is entirely genuine.
"Okay Tommy, about the bags - "
"Ever thought about drinking less?"
"Over Christmas? Are you joking? Tell you what why don’t we just use the computer to tweak the pictures. Only take two seconds to wipe out the bags under my eyes."
"It’s for your own good, Bill."
"Well, Tommy, since we seem to be going down this route of self-improvement, maybe you’d like a few suggestions for yourself."
He yawned.
"Maybe you should start doing a little Sudoku in the morning? Maybe a few of those mind-games they have in the Sun or the Mirror?"
"Really, Bill."
"Hey, even better! Ever thought about a frontal lobotomy? Well have you? I think it might be the way forward -"