How to make a prat of yourself …
What I will do to flog a few more books …
That includes many things, but today’s effort was something else: A valiant five-minute stint on Newcastle Radio at 7.30 this morning in which I made myself look like a complete prat.
It all stemmed from an Op-ed piece that I did for the Express about two years ago. One of my bosses there, Jenny, had asked me to do up a piece in praise of cheque-books.
No problem at all. Pay me the money and I’ll write anything you want, argue any case you like. That is the lot of us freelancers. Pay me enough money, and I might even be conjure up a case for Gordon Brown having done an excellent job as PM these past six months. (Though that would be a big ask.)
Anyway, what happened was that a few weeks after the Express story, the Beeb asked me to do an interview about on cheque-books - for which they paid me.
And ever since then, I’ve been put onto the BBC’s contacts list - as the man who loves cheque-books.
Cue a call last Friday from Charlie at Radio Newcastle, who wanted me to talk - yet again - about cheques. It all stems from Tesco banning cheques from their shops. "And we’ll plug your book at the end of the call too!" she says.
So this morning, fresh out of the shower, I was called up by Mike at Radio Newcastle.
He went straight for the jugular. "What is it about cheque-books that you like?" he said. "What’s wrong with using a card?"
Well - I was completely skewered. I tried to go down the line that cheque-books were from a calmer era; and what’s the big rush to pay anyway; and, short of ammo, I even claimed there was something ever so slightly romantic about writing out a cheque.
Utter tosh. But the best I could do.
I was slaughtered alive. I came across as some fusty Luddite who languidly wrote out Coutts cheques with quill pen and ink-blotter.
That, I promise you, is the last time I ever talk on live radio about why cheque books are such a boon to our lives.
AND, even more galling, Mike didn’t even plug the book at the end of the interview anyway!