Idle Tom sugars the pill
My publisher, Idle Tom, used an expression that I had not come across in quite a while: Sugaring the pill.
Now this is an expression which I normally associate with Mary Poppins. To me, it conjures up an image of turning something that is deeply unpalatable into something that can at least be swallowed.
But it would seem that Idle Tom has a different interpretation of this particular phrase.
No, for Idle Tom the expression “sugaring the pill” obviously means covering the pill in dog excrement before manually forcing it down my throat just as the French farmers so love to do with their geese during the gavage …
“I’ve thought of something,” said Idle Tom. “Something just that little bit different. Something, perhaps, that might help sugar the pill.”
“And which pill might that be, Idle Tom?”
“The Jamie Prattlock pill.” (Brief recap for new readers. My book, The Well-Tempered Clavier, has a Perfect Partner on Amazon, Daisy Dooley Does Divorce - written by my ex-wife. Daisy Dooley also features as a column in the Mail - and Daisy’s ex-husband Jamie Prattlock is a rather ghastly parody of me. As of Monday, Jamie has been promoted from a cameo part into a lead role …)
For those of you, ahem, who absolutely insist on seeing it warts and all, here is the necessary link to Monday’s Mail: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/pages/live/femail/article.html?in_article_id=500962&in_page_id=1879
“That pill?? I thought I told you I wasn’t interested? What was your ludicrous suggestion? You said you wanted to rename Jamie Prattlock and call him Davy Prattcock, and you then wanted him to start beating up on Daisy Dooley? Brilliant! The first fictional kiss-and-tell in history.”
“It was quite good would wasn’t it?” and as he said it, I can only imagine that the Idle One was modestly brushing up his nails on the lapel of his velvet smoking jacket.
“Tommy! Can’t you tell when I’m joking! It’s bloody daft!”
“Well, just hear me out Bill. Just hear me out!”
Sometimes dealing with Idle Tom is like dealing with my five-year-old son Dexter. Occasionally you’ve just got to lie back and listen. “What, dear Tommy, do you want to tell me?”
“Well it’s like this Bill. I realised you might have a little difficulty in getting to grips with this one, so -”
“So what have you done?”
“I’ve started writing a little bit of Davy Prattcock’s kiss-and-tell. Just, sort of, to get you started.”
“Tell me, Tom, do you have this kind of relationship with all your authors?”
“Not really, no. But then I don’t have that many authors. Anyway, shall I read you out a bit?”
“Do you have to?”
What a cliff-hanger, eh? Wait till tomorrow for Idle Tom’s exclusive rendition of Davy Prattcock’s kiss and tell …