William Coles

Geordie - with crisps and Coke. A hog in heaven.

After considerable research I have yet to come across a single person who rates the cover of The Well-Tempered Clavier.

I did a book club in Edinburgh on Thursday and the women were scathing in the extreme about the raunchiness and generally non-literary feel of the cover.

“I didn’t think that I was the sort of woman who’d judge a book by its cover,” said Gaye. “But in your case I’d make an exception. If I’d seen the book in a shop, there is not a chance that I’d have bought it.”

Raspberries also from the booksellers. Jonathan, the manager of Eton’s Alden and Blackwell bookshop: “I can see what it’s trying to do. But I’m not sure it’s right for this particular kind of book.”

In fact, so far I have come across just ONE person who likes the cover of the book. Idle Tom the publisher. Of course. Who else did you expect?

“So tell me, Tom,” I said. “Just who on earth are all these book-buyers who you said helped select this cover? Are they genuine buyers from genuine book-shops?”

“Sort of …”

“This is sounding ominous …”

“Well by “book-buyers”, I meant people who buy books.”

“Don’t tell me …”

“I took it down to the pub. A friend liked it.”

“Tom, have you ever heard of “stripping”? You do it when a cover is deemed to be so bad that it’s affecting the sales. You strip off the cover, stick on a new one.”

“I don’t think we need to go that far, Bill …”

“Or it might even be cheaper to pulp the lot and start again …”

“But I think the sales are going jolly well!”

“Honestly Tom, it’s going to be worth it in the long run …”