Just a little disappointed
Oh dear, oh dear.
I’d been hoping for so much from my ex-wife, now that our books have been twinned as Perfect Partners on Amazon.
But it was not to be.
I’d dreamed that although our marriage was a disaster, Anna and I might be able to work together. You know the sort of thing - create this fantastic synergy which might help us shift a few more copies of The Well-Tempered Clavier and Daisy Dooley Does Divorce (in which there is a cheeky little parody of my good self in the guise of Jamie Prattlock.)
But in her latest column in the Mail … Well I just feel a bit let-down by it all; a little disappointed.
It’s just not what I was hoping for. I’d thought that her astonishing piss-take was going to snowball. But instead …
Maybe I’d been expecting too much. Expecting a phenomenal display. And all I got was this little damp squib, phut-phutting for a second before it nose-dived into the ground.
Idle Tom, the publisher, mentioned the matter during our morning conference. “She’s not really engaged, is she? Anything more we can do?”
“Well, Tommy, seeing as you ignore all my suggestions anyway, why don’t you just tell me about the latest brainwave to come fluttering through that vast and empty dome of yours?”
“Maybe we should send her another e-mail?”
“Yeah, Tommy, I bet you’d really like to write it yourself too.”
“Well if it helps sell the book …”
“Well of course - You’d probably reckon it would be a good trade-off for me to have both legs hacked off it it would sell a few more copies of the book.”
“Now Bill - that really would be going too far … But maybe a foot? That might help? I chopped off my foot to turn my book into a bestseller. Unusual. Definitely worth a try.”
“Why’s it always have to be me who’s the fall guy?”
“Bill, let me explain. You’re the star of the show. You’re the sad numpty who was married to Anna P. You wrote this stupid book The Well-Tempered Clavier. And therefore it is you, and only you, who has to be a conduit for all the stunts.”
“Funny you never mentioned this when you signed me up.”
“Bill, if it helps sell the book, we’ve got to try it. Anything. Anything at all.” Then he added, just to ensure I was completely riled, “I think that if you want to be taken seriously as a writer -”
“I should turn myself into a total media whore.”
“That’s about the sum of it.”
[I would normally provide a link to the Daisy Dooley article, but for some reason it always takes a couple of days to come through. Don’t worry though! It’ll be up as soon as I can find it.]
December 24th, 2007 at 11:59 am
“I should turn myself into a total media whore.”
But Bill, aren’t you a Sun journo? (only joking, happy Christmas!)