More news from Jordan
It’s taken a little while for me to craft a reply to Katie Price’s last e-mail. Katie - also known to her many fans as Jordan - had been in touch saying she wanted to meet up.
(By the by, we did a job together in, I guess, about 1996 - and at the time she was just 17! Unbelievable. She had a hell of a lot of Chutzpah even then.
Well - seeing as I mentioned it, I thought it would be churlish not to reproduce THAT picture (again).
Anyway, about my latest note to Katie. She’d asked me down for drinks in the Lanesborough, which I couldn’t make.
In my reply, I was striving for something that was both charming and winning … and perhaps even just that little bit flirty.
Thusly:
KATIE! HOW ARE YOU??? LISTEN, CAN’T MAKE THE 19TH. TIED UP WITH CHILD-MAINTENANCE AND ALL THAT SORT OF STUFF. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF SEEING YOU THIS FRIDAY??? I’M DOWN TO SEE MY PUBLISHER, IDLE TOM. FANCY A CUP OF TEA? ACTUALLY - I’LL BET YOU’D PREFER SOMETHING A LITTLE STIFFER THAN BOOZE. FINE BY ME!!! I QUITE FANCY GOING TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM, TO CHECK OUT THE TERRACOTTA ARMY. LIKE TO GIVE IT A WHIRL??? THOUGH JUST ONE THING - COULD YOU WEAR A WIG OR SOMETHING, AS OTHERWISE WE’LL BE EATEN ALIVE. LOTS OF LOVE, BILLYY COLEYXXXX
Apologies, by the way, for the capital letters. But that’s how she likes her e-mails.
Meanwhile, Idle Tom the Publisher has been reading my blog.
"These e-mails from Jordan," he said. "You don’t really believe they’re from Jordan?"
"Of course they’re from Jordan," I said. "Who else do you think they’re from?"
"Could be any of number of people," he said. "I mean there are a lot of jokers out there, Mr Coles, and quite a number wouldn’t mind taking a chunk out of you."
"No! I can’t believe it. Who’d want to do that? You know what your problem is, Tommy? You always think the worst of everyone and everything that comes your way. All that’s happened is that I’ve received a nice, indeed a charming, e-mail from one of Britain’s best authors. And yet all you can say is that it’s some feeble practical joke. Are you jealous? Is that it?"
"I’m not jealous, no, I merely wanted to raise the possibility that it might not be Katie who’s sending -"
"I think you’re getting a bit pinched and wizened in your old age. Be big, Tommy. Be BIG!"
* Many thanks, by the way, to the literary vixens at Vulpes Libris They’ve been kind enough to plug this blog. I am given to understand that this blog is, apparently, rather different to most literary blogs. Of which more anon.