The Well-Tempered Clavier

Ahemmm! Very sorry for the minor blogging hiatus. Had stuff to write; children to feed; wives to watch telly with; publishers to swear at … guess you probably know the drill. In future, I will endeavour to make this blog a weekly event; daily blogging is too much drudgery. And as for Twitter??? Forget it!

Anyway … after a mere six-month wait, I can finally reveal the nature of the great, the magnificent, the eagerly-awaited … Project X.

It is a little book about Lord Lucan.

Lord Lucan? Know him? Guess that will depend on your nationality and your age. But if you are a Brit over the age of 40, then you will know all about Lucky Lord Lucan.

He was our most dashing peer, a hell of a swell. And then, at the age of 39, he attempted to murder his wife, killed his nanny, and disappeared off the face of the earth.

Lucan - actually, the Seventh Earl of Lucan - has not been seen or heard of in 35 years.

Over the decades, there have been a lot of books about what might have happened to Lucan.

But my little book is the big one. The one they’ve all been after.

It’s not just about Lucky Lord Lucan.

It’s not just telling you what HAPPENED to him when he was whisked off by the Clermont Set.

It’s actually BY him!

I have merely acted as Lord Lucan’s humble editor.

The book - Lord Lucan: My Story - is out at the end of May.

And if you should care to know a little more about it, then just click here …

The Well-Tempered Clavier is due out in the US next spring - and already those efficient and devastatingly competent people at Soho Press in New York have given it a double-page spread  in their 2009 listings guide.

Not only that but they’ve given it a much better title; and, ahem, a much better cover.

Here it is:

All of it most excellent news. So civilised to deal with Soho’s editor too. Somebody who was keen, interested, enthusiastic …

In fact, now that I think of it, different in almost every single way from another editor that I happen to know in London.

Speaking of which … I spoke to Idle Tom the Publisher just this week. And yes, there is quite considerable news to report:

"Hello Tom," I said. "What are you doing?"

"Hello Old Cock," he chirrups. "Just out for a coffee. Have you seen this Barack Obama stuff? Amazing!"

"Yes it is, isn’t it?"

"Anyway, not much going on here. Told you about the break-in didn’t I? Yeah, I did. Umm, well, and that’s about it I guess?"

"So what’s happened with Project X?"

"Project X?"

"The stinking manuscript that I gave you over two months ago! The one that you have paid the biggest advance in Legend history."

"Oh yes. That. Well what about it?"

"Well have you read the thing?"

"Hmmm. Good question. Have I read it? Umm, now that I come to think of it, I got about halfway through and something came up."

"Jesus! But this is exactly the position we were in a month ago -"

"No - the last time I think I’d had my computer stolen -"

"Yes! I know that! But we’re in the same position in that you still haven’t read the manuscript -"

"Heyyy! Easy, tiger! I thought you asked me if I’d be able to read it by Christmas, and I said I’d give it my best shot."

"I know - but when I asked you if you were going to read it by Christmas I was joking. It hadn’t occurred to me that you’d take four months to read a 75,000-word manuscript."

"Ahh! You were joking! I thought you were being serious." I can hear him slurping noisily on his Latte. "Anyway - what I’ve read so far, I really like."

"Lovely."

"Might need a few tweaks, but basically it’s looking good - "

"I’m so pleased to hear you say that."

Apologies for the lack of communication these past three weeks. Stuff going on. Kids’ half-term. I’m sure you know how it is for us struggling writers.

Anyway! What do I care? I have much, much news to report about Project X - the book project, that is, that was finished about two months ago, and for which Idle Tom the Publisher has paid the biggest advance in Legend Press history, and which is supposedly "due out" next spring.

Now, a month or so back, I think I might have joked that Idle Tom wouldn’t get round to reading the manuscript till Christmas. I guess I thought he might take three weeks. Tops.

As it turns out, I’d be ASTONISHED if he got round to reading the thing  by 2009.

"You know how it is, Old Cock," he says to me. (Why, by the way, does he insist on calling me "Old Cock"? Does he call all of his writers "Old Cock"? Is it me?).  "We’ve had the place burgled. Lost all the computers."

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound mildly solicitous. "You told me that a month ago."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did. So how can I be of help, Tom?"

"Ummm. You could send the manuscript over again, that’d be great."

"The manuscript?! I sent it to you two months ago - and I sent it again when you were burgled!"

"Yeahhhh," he says. "Well we ain’t got it, and, you know …"

"OK. This is becoming a bit of a theme for you, Tom. So you want the manuscript again for Project X?"

"Yeahhh. That would be cool."

"And when do you think you’ll get round to reading this thing? Just so long as it’s not been "burgled" again?"

"Ooooh. Soon. Definitely. Some time soon. Definitely sooner rather than later, old cock -"

"Do you have to call me "Old cock"?"

"Don’t you like it?"

Idle Tom the Publisher calls. It’s funny. I’ve never heard anyone apologise so much - yet palpably never mean a single word of it.

"Sorry I haven’t been in touch, old cock," he says.

"Old cock? Where the hell have you picked that expression up from?"

"It’s good isn’t it?"

"Well if you say so. Listen I’ve got some interesting news for you. My agent Darin has sent Project X out to three of his readers. They’ve all read it - read it, actually, in under two weeks - and they all think it’s a belter!"

"That’s what we like to hear, Mr Coles."

"So, umm, I daresay that you still haven’t read a word of it."

"Nope, not one single word. It’s still on my lap-top as it happens - though actually, come to think of it, it’s probably not on my lap-top any more, as my lap-top has been stolen - "

"Stolen? What’s happened?"

"Had a break-in at the office. Nicked a whole load of stuff. Bit of a pain. Yeah, and anyway, they also stole my lap-top."

"Oh - how very annoying for you. I’m sorry to hear that."

"Naah, it’ll be fine. We’ll get all the insurance back. Yeah, so I guess if maybe you could send Project X over again, then I’ll get round to having a look."

"But no hurry at all, right? I mean it’ll be fine if I send it by Christmas?"

"Whenever you want, old cock. Got all the time in the world on this one -"

"Tell me. I thought you were planning to have Project X out by next May."

"Did I really say May? Probably some time next year. Def-o."

Idle Tom the Publisher calls again. Sometimes I go weeks at a time without hearing from him.

I guess this month must be one of those times.

"Morning Mr Coles," he says. "Looking forward to Eton College on Wednesday?"

"Looking forward to it?? It’s going to be fantastic!"

"Excellent, very glad to hear it."

"So - don’t tell me. You’ve not read Project X."

"Nope - not read Project X. It is, however, sitting in the inbox on my computer."

"OK, well fair enough. No big hurry, obviously. What are you phoning up for then?"

"It’s this, umm, Eton talk that you’re doing."

"Hmmm." When conversations with Idle Tom go like this, it is invariably bad news.

"Well, there’s been a bit of a problem."

Of course. Of course there has to be a problem. If Idle Tom the Publisher is involved, then how can there not be a problem? "Oh yes?"

"It’s umm, it’s, umm, like this Bill. The Eton book-shop has just closed down and -"

"It’s closed down?!"

"Yes it’s closed down and we’re having a little difficulty in getting the books down to Eton -"

"A little difficulty?"

"So basically I was wondering if you could pop over on your way down to Eton and pick up a couple of cases of books."

"Gaah!" Irritated? Beyond belief!

"Would that fit in? Just pop over to our place by Faringdon Road, take a couple of cases and do your best to flog the lot."

"Really?" I said. "Tell you what, why don’t you give me a float so I can do all the change -"

"Not a problem. We can do floats. Would 20 quid be enough?"

"And maybe it would be really handy if I popped round the next day to drop off any unsold copies?"

"Yes, that would be very helpful indeed, thank you. Surprisingly thoughtful of you, in fact. I won’t be in on Thursday, but if you could just drop off the books and the money with Lucy that would be great - yeah, in fact that’s going to work out brilliantly. Drop off the books, the money -"

"Not forgetting your 20 quid float -"

"Yes, not forgetting the 20 quid float, and that would be brilliant. Thanks old buddy! And you know what?"

"What?"

"I’ll put you on a 50p commission. For every £7.99 book you sell, you can keep 50p!"

Been a bit tied up this past week … editing Project X. This is the next book in the pipe-line that Idle Tom the Publisher has promised - promised - to have out by May 2009.

He’s even paid a very modest advance. Modest by my books - and most other authors, come to that. But it is, nevertheless, the largest advance in Legend Press history.

I sent Idle Tom the first draft on Friday. Quite pleased with it - through frankly at the moment I can’t see the wood for the trees. Don’t know whether it’s a winner - or whether it’s a turkey.

Tom’s reply, however, was uplifting. "Just got the first draft through!" he wrote. "Can’t wait!"

Can’t wait, eh? Maybe he’d have finished the thing by the weekend??

I tell you now that my entire relationship with Tom is a triumph of optimism over experience.

I called him up yesterday to find out what his initial take was. Thumbs up? Thumbs down? A mild edit needed? Or the total re-write? Or … were we talking about dodos that ain’t ever gonna fly?

"So Tom!" I said.

"So Bill!" replies the Idle One.

"So you got the first draft through! Darin’s got a couple of readers on it, and I’ve got two superb mates having a look, and … WHAT DO YOU THINK??"

(Thumbs up? Thumbs down? TELL ME! TELL ME NOW!)

"Well, Bill," he says, with that little chuckle of his. "You know me."

Know him??? Of course I know him! I know him better than my own brother!

So how on earth could I - even for a moment - have imagined that Idle Tom would have opened the Word-file, let alone read the first sentence? Had I just had a frontal lobotomy?

"Yes," I said, a little weary - weary, perhaps, at my own unutterable stupidity. For I do indeed know Idle Tom. "So, ummm …"

"Well I’ll get round to it soon."

"What? Christmas?"

"Well … Bit busy at the moment, Bill. Got a couple of books coming out over the next month or so - but … I tell you what, Bill, I’ll do my best."

"To read the first draft by Christmas?"

"Christmas? Christmas? That’s comin’ up pretty soon, you know Bill. What about … ahhh … let’s stick with just plain old "Soon". I like that!"

It turns out that while I have been visiting Sodom this past week, Idle Tom the Publisher has been … BUSY!

"You know how it goes," says The Idle One. "Bobbin’, divin’, duckin’, weavin’, schmoozin’, boozin’ -"

"Now that last one - I know you can do that," I said.

"Yep - anyway, been busy. Very busy. So when’s Project X going to be ready for me? I’ve paid good money for your second book, up front too -"

"As you keep on reminding me," I said. "I am fully aware that it is the biggest advance in Legend Press history."

"Certainly is, Mr Coles."

"But then - is that really saying that much?"

"So when am I getting my book?"

"In the fullness of time."

"In the fullness of time?? What the hell does that mean?"

"It’s a Biblical phrase. The Christians were very keen on it. Comes from the Greek "Pleroma" - and it means, basically, that you’ll get it when everything’s good and ready."

"The fullness of time?"

"That’s right, Tom. In the fullness of time."

"You know what?" he says. "I think I like it! Great way to stall off writers and distributors in the future! ‘When’s the book going to get published?’ they ask - and I shall reply, ‘In the fullness of time’. I LOVE IT!"

Just back from a week on Offa’s Dyke in Wales. Fantastic views. No screaming publisher. No screaming children, come to that. All in all, an excellent time.

"So how did it go, Mr Coles?" asked Idle Tom the Publisher.

"A great walk!" I said. "You wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve been to Sodom!"

"Sodom? As in the Biblical Sodom? Not possible!"

"I promise you!" I said.

"The Sodom that was destroyed in fire and brimstone??"

"Yes that Sodom - twinned with Gomorrah. I even have the pictures to prove it!"

.

[Me with fellow Sodom walker, Richard Sweet … Intimate, but not overly so.]

"Anyway!" said Idle Tom. "Listen! Great news! Just got the hardback big-print version of The Well-Tempered Clavier through. You’re going to love it!"

"New cover?"

"Yep! Bit pinky for my tastes. but yes, new cover."

"None of the grotesque leg-cocking picture?"

"All gone! New picture too -"

"Say! That’s great! What about the blurb on the back?"

"That’s all been redone too. They’ve even got rid of my favourite word ‘bitter-sweet’."

"Better and better!"

"Except -"

"Why, Tom, is there always an ‘except’ with you? What have you done now?"

"Well, it’s not very much, and in the grand scheme of things it’s absolutely nothing at all. But you remember that cover quote from Tunku at the Wall Street Journal?"

"Of course I remember the cover quote from Tunku Varadarajan of the WSJ - "

"Well they’ve got it splashed all over the cover -"

"That’s what I like to hear."

"But they appear to have missed off the last syllable of Tunku’s surname."

"Appear? What on earth do you mean they appear to have left off the last syllable of his surname?"

"Ummm. They’ve called him Tunku Varadara."