The Well-Tempered Clavier

Herewith the full match report of the London signing: So many old friends there, going back decades. Some, like my old housemaster, I hadn’t seen in 25 years.

And the nightmare of it is that you’re just talking to someone for the first time in years, and then there’s a tap on the shoulder, and you’re off onto the next … and the next … You’re lucky if you can get more than two minutes with the same person.

Two scumbags worthy of mention: First up, Malcolm Leng, who very kindly bought four books. Got me to sign them too, to himself, to his wife Fiona and to his daughter Demelza - great name.

And then Malcolm says to me: "And could you sign one to Matt Benson?"

"Matt Benson!" I replied. "You are one cheeky bastard!"

I should explain here that Matt is an ex-colleague of Malcolm’s and, while I’ve only met him briefly, seemed affable … however … he does have a little bit of form in that he once used to date my wife Margot.

I paused as I wondered what to write. Some little bon mot, perhaps, some quip … but in actual fact I thought restraint was the order of the day. "To Matt - with best wishes, Bill." Very tame for me. But I did give him a kiss on the end as well.

The biggest shyster of the night though, was, without doubt, Simon Cobby. Now Simon owes me big time, as a year ago I was so sick of him being a sad single loser that I signed him up with the dating website "My Single Friend". Worked like a charm. He’s been dating Jackie for nearly eight months.

To continue … There I am last night at my signing table. An elegant woman comes up, late thirties. I’ve never seen her before in my life.

"Hi," I said. "How’s it going?"

And then the utter, utter nightmare which I had been dreading: "Hi Bill!" she said. "You remember me don’t you?"

I did a double-take. Nope - I had no idea who she was. At all. "Well …" I said, playing for time. "It’s been a long time!"

"How long’s it been?" she said.

Well at this stage I thought that she might, at a pinch, be the sister of a mate. "Ummm, got to be over ten years," I said.

"Yes it must be," she replies.

"Great to see you!" I said. "You’re looking fantastic! So who would you like the book to?"

"I’d like it to Scobby please?"

What? What? And there was the grinning monkey that is Simon Cobby hiding behind her - having just prepped Jackie up to string me along for as long as she dared.

Outrageous behaviour - because it is the precise thing that every author dreads … a cheery face coming up and saying, "Hellloooo! Remember me?"

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