That old skin-crawly feeling …
Why is that so many of my conversations with Idle Tom the publisher seem to incorporate a sentence with the line, "Tommy, I’m not at all sure about this one"?
The brief story so far: Bill the author is trying to turn his novel The Well-Tempered Clavier into a bestseller … and Idle Tom has dreamt up another new strategy to hype the book.
"This one," said the Idle One during our morning conference, "is an absolute beauty."
On reflection, my reply may have been somewhat caustic. "Whenever I hear you say something like that, my skin starts to crawl."
He chuckled scampishly. "You don’t mean that Bill."
"I certainly do."
"Anyway, enough of your chippiness, I think that there’s still plenty more mileage from Daisy Dooley."
"Oh yes?" (Short explanation to new blog-readers. My book has found its "perfect partner" on Amazon - my ex-wife’s book Daisy Dooley Does Divorce. Fireworks have ensued.)
"Oh yes, Billy Boy, plenty more gold in them thar hills!"
"Enough of your speaking in riddles. What is your idea?"
"Well Jamie Prattlock - ie you - has made a comeback. Daisy Dooley’s ex-husband is now smack back in the middle of Anna’s Monday column in the Mail. And he might be there for quite a while yet - "
"Depending on how much I manage to provoke my ex."
"Yeah, exactly Bill, that’s right, so what I was just a bit concerned about was Jamie Prattlock getting a huge pasting over the next few months, and you being utterly utterly unable to do anything about it."
"Utterly, utterly unable?"
"So, to be blunt, what I’m asking, what I’m suggesting, is that Jamie needs an outlet. He needs a right of reply."
"Let me get this right Tom. Not content with getting me to do my first ever kiss-and-tell on my ex-wife, you now want me also to write up a fictional kiss-and-tell on behalf of her fictional ex-husband Jamie Prattlock. You want me to dish the dirt on the heroine of her book Daisy Dooley? Is that really what you’re suggesting?"
"It’s brilliant!" cooed Idle Tom. "Jamie Prattlock has to be allowed to have his say!"
"Have you taken leave of your senses?"
"As far as I can see, there’s just one small problem - "
"One?!"
"Yeah, might be a problem with copyright. Don’t know if we could get away with using the name Jamie Prattlock."
"What a shame."
"But it’s nothing we can’t work round."
"Oh?"
"Yeah! No problem at all! We’ll just call the pasty-faced moron Davy Prattcock!"