The Wright Stuff
I’ve been in touch with Matthew Wright, who used to be just another scumbag hack like me until he landed his morning show on Channel Five. I first met Matthew 13 years ago when he was on The Sun and he’s a little charmer.
I pinged him an e-mail:
"Hi Matthew, did you see that stuff I wrote in the Mail on Sunday? When can I come on your show?
Matthew did actually write back:
"Read the story - hilarious!"
Notice how he ducked my question. But there is a slight chance that I may yet get me on the show in the spring.
Let us pause there to picture the scene.
It could be the stuff of nightmares. There I am on the Wright Stuff, dressed up in best shirt and tie, and I might even be wearing a jacket too because it’s my first time on TV.
For the previous ten minutes I’ve been blathering on about the book, about Eton and about first love - all those subjects that I know so well.
Finally Matthew cuts into my monologue … "Well actually Bill we’ve got a bit of a surprise for you!"
"A surprise?" I gurn at the camera. "A nice surprise or a nasty surprise?"
"A surprisey surprise!"
And then, as my mouth drops open in horror, on comes my ex-wife Anna to the tumultuous applause of the audience. The cover of her Daisy Dooley book is flashed up on a huge screen behind us. We sit on either side of the host, boxers in the ring.
And it’s about to get much, much worse …
Matthew smiles at me: "So what I’d really like to hear from you, Bill, is something positive that you’d like to say about Anna’s new book .."
"Gaaah!"
"Come on - you must be able to say something!"
"Gaaaaah!"
"One teeny word of praise for Daisy Dooley?"
"Gaaaaaaaaah!" The words are, like the Apples of Sodom, turning to ashes in my mouth. "Nice -"
"Nice what?"
"Nice being here, Matthew, I’m history!"