What it take to be "An Author of the Week".
The story so far: Idle Tom the Publisher has commissioned my next book, Project X, a wonderfully uplifting thriller with a sting in the tale. Or some such nonsense. Can’t really remember how I pitched it - ‘cos I’m not even a quarter way into the thing yet.
Idle Tom, however, has been … iffy about the thought of paying me money up front.
And I’ve already got 25,000 words in the bag!
So, as an attempt to placate me, on Monday he named me Legend Press’ "Author of the Week".
"Of course I’m very honoured," I said. "Very."
"And so you should be," said the Idle One.
"I mean I guess there aren’t that many people who’ve ever received this award before -"
"Not many. In fact. Very few."
"Great. So how many other authors have been named as your Author of the Week?"
"Well, ummm, most of, ummm, no, the rest of the, umm, stable."
"Well! Well!" I mean this wasn’t sounding like much of a damn honour at all. More like a snub. "So let me get this right. On your books you’ve got about another 20 authors -"
"24 actually."
"OK, 24 actually, and every one of these writers has already been nominated your author of the week -"
"Yeah, that’s right, though some of them have had it twice, and one woman has actually won it three times."
"What I’m wondering, Tommy, is how come you’ve taken so long to get round to me. It’s not exactly perking me up to hear that I’m the very last person on the list."
"Many are called, but few are chosen."
"You’re quoting the Bible at me now?! Why on earth are you quoting Matthew? Do you seriously think that I’m going to take some piffling advance just because I’ve - finally! - been named your author of the week?"
"Well -"
* Tomorrow: The full questionnaire that "Authors of the Week" have to answer. Not to be missed.