The Well-Tempered Clavier

Occasionally in my alter ego as Bill Coles, journalist-of-note, I write stuff for the London papers.

The Express is my paper of choice. We have a fantastic mutual-admiration society.

Here’s a little piece I’ve done for them on Top Gear. 

Next item: What my id does when he’s writing …

PS. The Fourth Plinth, Trafalgar Square, 4pm to 5pm on July 9. Lord Lucan will be making his first appearance in 35 years - and as for me, his humble editor, I’ll be buying ANYONE a drink afterwards. Have yet to decide precisely where. But should be from about 6-ish, after my plinth debrief.

A good friend has set up a website, the better to track down Lord Lucan.

Although only in its infancy, we have high hopes that Lord Lucan.org will soon be topping Google …

The definitive site, perhaps, for all things Lucan. x

Just to let you know that I’ve got a new book out. It’s called "Lord Lucan: My Story" - pretty much does what it says on the cover.

Just click here for the Amazon link

   The Well-Tempered Clavier is also now out in the States - under the catchier title "Prelude". Not to mention a catchier cover. I’ve just been on America’s NPR radio to talk about Prelude’s theme: Illicit love.

Click here for a listen

  All reviews and recommendations - not to mention sales - greatly appreciated!

Ahemmm! Very sorry for the minor blogging hiatus. Had stuff to write; children to feed; wives to watch telly with; publishers to swear at … guess you probably know the drill. In future, I will endeavour to make this blog a weekly event; daily blogging is too much drudgery. And as for Twitter??? Forget it!

Anyway … after a mere six-month wait, I can finally reveal the nature of the great, the magnificent, the eagerly-awaited … Project X.

It is a little book about Lord Lucan.

Lord Lucan? Know him? Guess that will depend on your nationality and your age. But if you are a Brit over the age of 40, then you will know all about Lucky Lord Lucan.

He was our most dashing peer, a hell of a swell. And then, at the age of 39, he attempted to murder his wife, killed his nanny, and disappeared off the face of the earth.

Lucan - actually, the Seventh Earl of Lucan - has not been seen or heard of in 35 years.

Over the decades, there have been a lot of books about what might have happened to Lucan.

But my little book is the big one. The one they’ve all been after.

It’s not just about Lucky Lord Lucan.

It’s not just telling you what HAPPENED to him when he was whisked off by the Clermont Set.

It’s actually BY him!

I have merely acted as Lord Lucan’s humble editor.

The book - Lord Lucan: My Story - is out at the end of May.

And if you should care to know a little more about it, then just click here …

The Well-Tempered Clavier is due out in the US next spring - and already those efficient and devastatingly competent people at Soho Press in New York have given it a double-page spread  in their 2009 listings guide.

Not only that but they’ve given it a much better title; and, ahem, a much better cover.

Here it is:

All of it most excellent news. So civilised to deal with Soho’s editor too. Somebody who was keen, interested, enthusiastic …

In fact, now that I think of it, different in almost every single way from another editor that I happen to know in London.

Speaking of which … I spoke to Idle Tom the Publisher just this week. And yes, there is quite considerable news to report:

"Hello Tom," I said. "What are you doing?"

"Hello Old Cock," he chirrups. "Just out for a coffee. Have you seen this Barack Obama stuff? Amazing!"

"Yes it is, isn’t it?"

"Anyway, not much going on here. Told you about the break-in didn’t I? Yeah, I did. Umm, well, and that’s about it I guess?"

"So what’s happened with Project X?"

"Project X?"

"The stinking manuscript that I gave you over two months ago! The one that you have paid the biggest advance in Legend history."

"Oh yes. That. Well what about it?"

"Well have you read the thing?"

"Hmmm. Good question. Have I read it? Umm, now that I come to think of it, I got about halfway through and something came up."

"Jesus! But this is exactly the position we were in a month ago -"

"No - the last time I think I’d had my computer stolen -"

"Yes! I know that! But we’re in the same position in that you still haven’t read the manuscript -"

"Heyyy! Easy, tiger! I thought you asked me if I’d be able to read it by Christmas, and I said I’d give it my best shot."

"I know - but when I asked you if you were going to read it by Christmas I was joking. It hadn’t occurred to me that you’d take four months to read a 75,000-word manuscript."

"Ahh! You were joking! I thought you were being serious." I can hear him slurping noisily on his Latte. "Anyway - what I’ve read so far, I really like."

"Lovely."

"Might need a few tweaks, but basically it’s looking good - "

"I’m so pleased to hear you say that."

Apologies for the lack of communication these past three weeks. Stuff going on. Kids’ half-term. I’m sure you know how it is for us struggling writers.

Anyway! What do I care? I have much, much news to report about Project X - the book project, that is, that was finished about two months ago, and for which Idle Tom the Publisher has paid the biggest advance in Legend Press history, and which is supposedly "due out" next spring.

Now, a month or so back, I think I might have joked that Idle Tom wouldn’t get round to reading the manuscript till Christmas. I guess I thought he might take three weeks. Tops.

As it turns out, I’d be ASTONISHED if he got round to reading the thing  by 2009.

"You know how it is, Old Cock," he says to me. (Why, by the way, does he insist on calling me "Old Cock"? Does he call all of his writers "Old Cock"? Is it me?).  "We’ve had the place burgled. Lost all the computers."

"Yeah," I said, trying to sound mildly solicitous. "You told me that a month ago."

"Did I?"

"Yes, you did. So how can I be of help, Tom?"

"Ummm. You could send the manuscript over again, that’d be great."

"The manuscript?! I sent it to you two months ago - and I sent it again when you were burgled!"

"Yeahhhh," he says. "Well we ain’t got it, and, you know …"

"OK. This is becoming a bit of a theme for you, Tom. So you want the manuscript again for Project X?"

"Yeahhh. That would be cool."

"And when do you think you’ll get round to reading this thing? Just so long as it’s not been "burgled" again?"

"Ooooh. Soon. Definitely. Some time soon. Definitely sooner rather than later, old cock -"

"Do you have to call me "Old cock"?"

"Don’t you like it?"

Idle Tom the Publisher calls. It’s funny. I’ve never heard anyone apologise so much - yet palpably never mean a single word of it.

"Sorry I haven’t been in touch, old cock," he says.

"Old cock? Where the hell have you picked that expression up from?"

"It’s good isn’t it?"

"Well if you say so. Listen I’ve got some interesting news for you. My agent Darin has sent Project X out to three of his readers. They’ve all read it - read it, actually, in under two weeks - and they all think it’s a belter!"

"That’s what we like to hear, Mr Coles."

"So, umm, I daresay that you still haven’t read a word of it."

"Nope, not one single word. It’s still on my lap-top as it happens - though actually, come to think of it, it’s probably not on my lap-top any more, as my lap-top has been stolen - "

"Stolen? What’s happened?"

"Had a break-in at the office. Nicked a whole load of stuff. Bit of a pain. Yeah, and anyway, they also stole my lap-top."

"Oh - how very annoying for you. I’m sorry to hear that."

"Naah, it’ll be fine. We’ll get all the insurance back. Yeah, so I guess if maybe you could send Project X over again, then I’ll get round to having a look."

"But no hurry at all, right? I mean it’ll be fine if I send it by Christmas?"

"Whenever you want, old cock. Got all the time in the world on this one -"

"Tell me. I thought you were planning to have Project X out by next May."

"Did I really say May? Probably some time next year. Def-o."

Idle Tom the Publisher calls again. Sometimes I go weeks at a time without hearing from him.

I guess this month must be one of those times.

"Morning Mr Coles," he says. "Looking forward to Eton College on Wednesday?"

"Looking forward to it?? It’s going to be fantastic!"

"Excellent, very glad to hear it."

"So - don’t tell me. You’ve not read Project X."

"Nope - not read Project X. It is, however, sitting in the inbox on my computer."

"OK, well fair enough. No big hurry, obviously. What are you phoning up for then?"

"It’s this, umm, Eton talk that you’re doing."

"Hmmm." When conversations with Idle Tom go like this, it is invariably bad news.

"Well, there’s been a bit of a problem."

Of course. Of course there has to be a problem. If Idle Tom the Publisher is involved, then how can there not be a problem? "Oh yes?"

"It’s umm, it’s, umm, like this Bill. The Eton book-shop has just closed down and -"

"It’s closed down?!"

"Yes it’s closed down and we’re having a little difficulty in getting the books down to Eton -"

"A little difficulty?"

"So basically I was wondering if you could pop over on your way down to Eton and pick up a couple of cases of books."

"Gaah!" Irritated? Beyond belief!

"Would that fit in? Just pop over to our place by Faringdon Road, take a couple of cases and do your best to flog the lot."

"Really?" I said. "Tell you what, why don’t you give me a float so I can do all the change -"

"Not a problem. We can do floats. Would 20 quid be enough?"

"And maybe it would be really handy if I popped round the next day to drop off any unsold copies?"

"Yes, that would be very helpful indeed, thank you. Surprisingly thoughtful of you, in fact. I won’t be in on Thursday, but if you could just drop off the books and the money with Lucy that would be great - yeah, in fact that’s going to work out brilliantly. Drop off the books, the money -"

"Not forgetting your 20 quid float -"

"Yes, not forgetting the 20 quid float, and that would be brilliant. Thanks old buddy! And you know what?"

"What?"

"I’ll put you on a 50p commission. For every £7.99 book you sell, you can keep 50p!"